Please talk to me.

It was real. It still is real no matter what you say. I read your posts on Facebook and they do nothing but tear me apart. I want so bad for you to text me or something. I guess it is all done. Please god make my sadness go away.

Just so Lost.

I sure do hope i made the right decision for myself. It just felt so perfect and than it ended so fast. I guess i just havnt listened to my moms advice and it always got me in deeper shit than there was so i decided to listen. And i feel good about it. Of course i still love him. I will never lose my love for him. Our love was way way way too strong just to lose in a matter of a day. It just feels so weird to go from talking every day to not talking at all. I know if i would talk to him i would regret what i did. I was really looking forward to meeting his family, but i knew it wasnt fair to them if i met them all than broke up with him after that. Why does life have to be so god damn hard sometimes? Well running has definitely helped it a lot. Releasing plenty of endorphins. School is definitely a major plus. Friends, school work, social life back. God i missed it so bad. I am trying my best not to dwell on it because it just seems to make it worse. If i could ask him one thing though, actually many things. I would ask how he was doing, or even if he thought later on down the road if we could pick back up from where we left off. Well probably not. He might find someone that makes him happier than i did. He will always be that guy that took my breath away at art camp. Still to this day the best day of my life. I didnt say anything on the phone the other day that i wanted to. Im just not ready to settle down. Because i still have senior year, sports, college, family stuff, holidays with family's. My life is way busier than i could imagine. Does he still want me to be the one? Probably not. You know i am just going to quit asking questions because every answer is going to be no. NO NO NO NO NO. He probably hates me. The only answer i do not know right now is the answer to the question, do you still love me? I dont know. I probably just fucked up the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

Single.

Well I guess it is time to start a new chapter in my life that doesnt consist of two, just one.

Sisters forever!

oh how i love my sisters, Cati Lou Jackson & Brittany Elizabeth Shaw. They are my life, rock, and supporters. They love me for who i am and they would never judge me. I know i can go to them for absolutely anything and i love it. Please dont ever stop being my friends. Remember what i said today about being with me when i have my baby? Wherever we are than yall are in that room with me no matter what. I love yall so much!

No longer happy.

I told someone today that I was going to write a happy blog. But that happy blog turned into a terrible blog really fast. It went from being able to see him in four days back to eight days so fast. Why is it that only my mother supports my happiness. Nobody else does but her. No one has faith that it'll work but him and my dearest mommy. I am so happy with him and so devastated at the same time. Why is it I have to wait so long to be with him for forever. Yes he is now moving in when he turns eighteen but that is still so far away. Why can't he just come now. I am not going to be happy until I am with him forever. I feel like I am not even with him anymore because distance is keeping us so far apart. I feel like I would feel a little better about the situation if I were only a two and a half drive away from him. But I am not. I am a five hour drive from him. I was going to be able to be with him for a week but I can't. I can't because his mom said no. Why? He would still be going to school. He would still go to work the days he would be scheduled to go to. But no. I didn't know I could be so happy with someone and so sad too. It's not fair. I am done hurting inside over this. I am done feeling shitty EVERY day over this. It's either forever or never. Which is it going to be? Please don't keep me waiting anymore for the answer because there is no more time for an answer. I need it now. If I don't get an answer soon there is no more trying. I know what I want to happen. But will that happen? Will I get my happy ending? I guess we will know soon. I wish the odds of happiness were on my side. But I guess there not. Once I get my happiness it just gets torn away from me. Like someone pulled my feet right from underneath me so I would fall. I don't want to fall anymore. If I fall, who will be there to catch me. If he's not with me, he won't be there to catch me. He is my bestfriend and my boyfriend. And now, I don't have a bestfriend or a boyfriend with me. We are many miles apart. Please come be with me. So we can start our happy ending. Just the two of us.

I am so lonely.

I feel like all I do now is cry. Ever since the day Brice dropped me off I have been only depressed. Whenever I am alone it hits me the most. I may seem happy whenever I am hanging out with people but once that ends the tears just start coming. The worse part about it is I have no one to take my mind off of my sadness. My mom is gone, all my friends are back at home which is three hours away, all I am with right now are guys which make it worse. My life right now just sucks. Honestly the thought of moving to my dads in Colorado has come to mind a couple of times because I know I will ne'er be alone, a job is already waiting for me, and I would be with Noah again. But the one thing that sucks is that I would NEVER see Brice. I would be able to see my mom because on custody issue you have to visit on holidays but she would want me all to herself and I probably wouldn't be able to drive to Atalanta. Why can't this year just go ahead and end so I can live with Brice just the two of us with nothing in between us like a five hour drive, or school, or his job. I just hate being away from him. Crying just seems like the only thing I can do anymore. And if I am not crying I have a blank face on and everyone always knows something is wrong with me. Today I went to beach just myself and my nook and I was so lonely. I know if Brice were with me he'd be happy to go with me and I would be happy together with him again. I know seeing him in between the year we have to live together will be good because I won't have to go without seeing him for that long but I also don't want it to come to an end and me be depressed again. Depression is a bitch. I am literally really close to just packing everything up and going to live with him now. I wish.

bull shhh.

i cant seem to be able to do anything right, i just hope this year goes by fast. because i am tired of being yelled at all the god damn time.

♥

oh the joys of having a boyfriend/best friend/technically your soul mate. waking up in the mornings to i love you text messages, having long lasting phone calls describing each others undeniable love for each other. i love it, and him of course. if i didnt have him i dont know what i would do. i sometimes cant get over how we met. and how fast we clicked, and to look on the down of it all. the whole time he had a girlfriend. am i really that special to realize he was with the wrong girl and i was the right girl for him? he had just met me and was already ready to be done with his girl and have me take the place. which actually i think i fit the place quite well if you ask me. i dont even know if he really knows what he just got himself into. its already been one month and a week maybe that we have been together, and there will be many many more to come. hopefully he doesnt get tired of me because i am not going anywhere. well to conclude this entry, i am trying to say this. brice, i am going to be with you forever and ever and ever. no matter what. wether its us being five and a half hours away from each other, which it is that and not seven i googled it. or even us spending too much time together when we are together. i dont care what anyone else thinks about us, im in it for the long run baby. i love you bunches and bunches. forever and ever. to the end.

August 5, 2011.

today has been the first full day of the new life in north carolina. trying to stay as busy as possible so time can go by fast. only thirteen more days until i can be reunited with my other half. although feelings i have been having dont make me feel good inside. feelings i used to get when i was a little kid. i know i wanted to move to north carolina, but now that i am here i am missing my home more than ever. i miss being able to drive to my friends houses everyday, i miss only being two hours away from brice, i miss having a family, and most of all i miss my brother. the next time i see my brother he is going to be a man. and i dont get to see him grow up at all. i remember the days when i would sleep with him every night because i hated sleeping alone. or the times i would be the only one to see him cry because he hated people see him cry. he must get that from me. i drove by the school i would be going to today. it looks decent. i dont know wether to be excited or to wish the day would never come. i pray and hope that this year will go by fast, because after this year i will be living my life with the person by my side that i want to spend the rest of my life with. i dream about it almost everyday but it just wont come soon enough. i thank myself everyday for making the decision on going to art camp back in june, because if i hadnt, i wouldnt have met brice. if i didnt have him in my life my life would be ten times different. probably different in bad ways. so now if anyone asks me if i believe in love at first sight. you know what i would say? HELL YEAH. i believe in it because it happened to me. if he is not here with me physically i know he is here with me mentally. he will always have a piece of himself in my heart. i could tell him anything in the world and i know he would not judge me. he's one of the only people i let see me cry. he wipes my tears away, and tells me everything will be alright. but the only thing that will not be okay is that he is not here with me. i think about what life would be like if he were with me everyday. i would love life more. but i think the long distance thing is cool because we cherish the moments we have together and that makes it just more perfect. why it must be 5 hours away i do not know but we will make it work i know of it. brice, i love you so much. i know you will read this sooner or later. you are always in my heart. june 30th to forever and eternity.